When we talk about “healing”, one of the key things we’re talking about is trying to build our tolerance to feel emotions and sensations without getting overwhelmed by them. While this is an oversimplification, it really often comes down to that. It might seem counterintuitive to feel something that we perceive to be uncomfortable but it is effective. When we get overwhelmed, we often resort to habitual (often destructive and/or unsustainable) ways to cope.
When we are chronically traumatized or overwhelmed, we tend to avoid feeling things because we believe (and have been taught indirectly) that to feel is to die or that if I feel things I will get stuck in the pain/discomfort for an eternity or a number of other beliefs that we subconsciously invest in as a survival tool. These investments usually arise out of our childhood developmental years and therefore we are not fully informed of what our choices are when responding to stressful situations so we do what we think makes the most sense at the time. On the one hand these beliefs make logical sense because at one point we actually really felt that way (in our childhood body/at the time of the trauma/of our ancestors’ traumas) and we often have no experience of anything else… no alternative options… no perception of choice. The belief that we will become consumed (in grief, rage, etc) for an eternity comes from the very real experience of being consumed by big feelings in our little bodies a long time ago, without the skills or support to manage it. In this manner, we learned to disconnect from our body, seeing it as the source of our actual pain and discomfort, and from our feelings, seeing them as threatening. We choose this rather than realize that the pain and hurt coming is from our caregivers, etc. We subconsciously recognize that is the easier path because we are completely dependent for our survival. (Sometimes these beliefs originate in adulthood but it is more uncommon).
From this place, we develop many additional beliefs to help us cope over the years, such as being hard on ourself for having such a hard time and therefore thinking there must be something wrong with us or that we must be unlovable. We do this to try to maintain relationships with our caregivers, no matter how flawed they may be. This dilemma exists in many forms of survival skills used as a way to not be rejected from those we love: family lineage wounds/skills, patriarchal/capitalist/religious conditioning around not trusting our body, being shamed, being taught that to cry is weak, or even for reasons that as adults we would judge as “not a big deal” but to our child body/mind was quite painful. This is part of what keeps these patterns in place- the judgments we put on ourselves for feeling such big things over what we deem as not a big deal. So we never get the chance to move past it. Clearly, many of us aren’t taught how to deal with feelings in a way that allows for self love and receiving love from others. In turn, we do what we have to, to manage the discomfort and often suppress it; addictions of all kinds arise from this place, including codependency, people pleasing, self harm, etc.
Simple and makes sense. But let's look at the systemic/cultural picture.
Unfortunately, because of the dominant systems that we are part of (here in the so-called US at least), we have been taught to not trust our feelings and our body’s wisdom, to only trust our health/healing to the white male doctors that have memorized books in medical school. We have often been separated from the deep wisdom of our healing traditions, by the patriarchical/heterosexual/religious/white supremacist standard. Women, People of Color, and LGBTQ+ people have especially borne the brunt of believing we are “bad” and “wrong” because we have been oppressed and used for hundreds of years to build white male power and wealth, often internalizing/reinforcing our worthlessness. Our bodies have long been used as objects to own, use, and dominate. Despite the harm of 5,000 years of patriarchy, we persist for our rights and our mere presence can be triggering for white, cis-gendered men. Men have been taught, more than anyone else it seems, to not feel and/or suppress all feelings except anger, and it shows up in many ways as violence. There are traumatic roots to this conditioning and there is deep grief as well as profound collective consequences for this. Their rage and jealousy have oppressed us and murdered us. So of course we had to disconnect from our bodies and try to not “feel”! Thankfully, with the proper resources, support, and safety, we are actively making new choices to liberate ourselves and help each other. We can examine how we and our families have internalized those beliefs and can liberate ourselves in our relationships.
What I’m really talking about is the simple (but not easy) practice of learning to feel, little by little, in small doses. We teach our body and mind that feeling can be tolerable or even safe, eventually!. In this way, often the discomfort actually resolves on its own, just by witnessing it and allowing our body to feel it and metabolize it. To use a metaphor, unresolved traumas can be seen as food that doesn’t get fully digested and becomes hardened, causing worsening issues the longer it stays there. By learning to feel in a safe way, it softens and we can metabolize it bit by bit. In this way, the “nutrients” i.e. opportunities for growth, healing, and self awareness, can be absorbed. And what is not useful gets eliminated. In this way, we find out that we feel better when we can feel emotions and sensations and let them be metabolized. This allows for a practice of increasing trust that we won’t die or be consumed for an eternity just for feeling emotions. And this is how we create a new way of being with ourselves. In turn, we can care for each other as we learn to trust our own bodies as wise and not to be feared or hated.
Ultimately, when we have more capacity to feel, we will have less fear of the feelings. When we have less fear of the feelings, we have more choices of how to respond in the face of oppression, threat, and high stress, and therefore have more access to our resilience (the ability to respond and recover). We are learning to feel and know that we will find our way. We start to learn that the more we practice, the more we can trust that feeling our emotions will not destroy us or those we love. Feeling our feelings in the company of people who care about us and finding out that they still love and accept us can be one of the most deeply healing experiences that humans can have. This is one of the keys to recovering from capitalist heteropatriarchy.
When we are chronically traumatized or overwhelmed, we tend to avoid feeling things because we believe (and have been taught indirectly) that to feel is to die or that if I feel things I will get stuck in the pain/discomfort for an eternity or a number of other beliefs that we subconsciously invest in as a survival tool. These investments usually arise out of our childhood developmental years and therefore we are not fully informed of what our choices are when responding to stressful situations so we do what we think makes the most sense at the time. On the one hand these beliefs make logical sense because at one point we actually really felt that way (in our childhood body/at the time of the trauma/of our ancestors’ traumas) and we often have no experience of anything else… no alternative options… no perception of choice. The belief that we will become consumed (in grief, rage, etc) for an eternity comes from the very real experience of being consumed by big feelings in our little bodies a long time ago, without the skills or support to manage it. In this manner, we learned to disconnect from our body, seeing it as the source of our actual pain and discomfort, and from our feelings, seeing them as threatening. We choose this rather than realize that the pain and hurt coming is from our caregivers, etc. We subconsciously recognize that is the easier path because we are completely dependent for our survival. (Sometimes these beliefs originate in adulthood but it is more uncommon).
From this place, we develop many additional beliefs to help us cope over the years, such as being hard on ourself for having such a hard time and therefore thinking there must be something wrong with us or that we must be unlovable. We do this to try to maintain relationships with our caregivers, no matter how flawed they may be. This dilemma exists in many forms of survival skills used as a way to not be rejected from those we love: family lineage wounds/skills, patriarchal/capitalist/religious conditioning around not trusting our body, being shamed, being taught that to cry is weak, or even for reasons that as adults we would judge as “not a big deal” but to our child body/mind was quite painful. This is part of what keeps these patterns in place- the judgments we put on ourselves for feeling such big things over what we deem as not a big deal. So we never get the chance to move past it. Clearly, many of us aren’t taught how to deal with feelings in a way that allows for self love and receiving love from others. In turn, we do what we have to, to manage the discomfort and often suppress it; addictions of all kinds arise from this place, including codependency, people pleasing, self harm, etc.
Simple and makes sense. But let's look at the systemic/cultural picture.
Unfortunately, because of the dominant systems that we are part of (here in the so-called US at least), we have been taught to not trust our feelings and our body’s wisdom, to only trust our health/healing to the white male doctors that have memorized books in medical school. We have often been separated from the deep wisdom of our healing traditions, by the patriarchical/heterosexual/religious/white supremacist standard. Women, People of Color, and LGBTQ+ people have especially borne the brunt of believing we are “bad” and “wrong” because we have been oppressed and used for hundreds of years to build white male power and wealth, often internalizing/reinforcing our worthlessness. Our bodies have long been used as objects to own, use, and dominate. Despite the harm of 5,000 years of patriarchy, we persist for our rights and our mere presence can be triggering for white, cis-gendered men. Men have been taught, more than anyone else it seems, to not feel and/or suppress all feelings except anger, and it shows up in many ways as violence. There are traumatic roots to this conditioning and there is deep grief as well as profound collective consequences for this. Their rage and jealousy have oppressed us and murdered us. So of course we had to disconnect from our bodies and try to not “feel”! Thankfully, with the proper resources, support, and safety, we are actively making new choices to liberate ourselves and help each other. We can examine how we and our families have internalized those beliefs and can liberate ourselves in our relationships.
What I’m really talking about is the simple (but not easy) practice of learning to feel, little by little, in small doses. We teach our body and mind that feeling can be tolerable or even safe, eventually!. In this way, often the discomfort actually resolves on its own, just by witnessing it and allowing our body to feel it and metabolize it. To use a metaphor, unresolved traumas can be seen as food that doesn’t get fully digested and becomes hardened, causing worsening issues the longer it stays there. By learning to feel in a safe way, it softens and we can metabolize it bit by bit. In this way, the “nutrients” i.e. opportunities for growth, healing, and self awareness, can be absorbed. And what is not useful gets eliminated. In this way, we find out that we feel better when we can feel emotions and sensations and let them be metabolized. This allows for a practice of increasing trust that we won’t die or be consumed for an eternity just for feeling emotions. And this is how we create a new way of being with ourselves. In turn, we can care for each other as we learn to trust our own bodies as wise and not to be feared or hated.
Ultimately, when we have more capacity to feel, we will have less fear of the feelings. When we have less fear of the feelings, we have more choices of how to respond in the face of oppression, threat, and high stress, and therefore have more access to our resilience (the ability to respond and recover). We are learning to feel and know that we will find our way. We start to learn that the more we practice, the more we can trust that feeling our emotions will not destroy us or those we love. Feeling our feelings in the company of people who care about us and finding out that they still love and accept us can be one of the most deeply healing experiences that humans can have. This is one of the keys to recovering from capitalist heteropatriarchy.
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